For example, I spent an hour on Saturday with a broom and a hose annihilating spider webs and crushing their grotesque hosts. I felt so manly, protecting my helpless maiden from the hordes of monsters invading our castle.
The only downside to taking care of a rental home is that the people there before you may not have left you with an easy job. When Dria started asking me to mow the back weed patch, I knew it was time to do something about this invasion on our turf. So to speak.
After a little digging on the internet, I discovered two things about killing lawn weeds. First, there is a variety of miraculous products that somehow kill weeds while leaving the lawn intact. Second, pouring a cocktail of poisonous chemicals onto an expanse of tender earth can lead to clubbing baby seals. Or something like that. I didn't really pay attention to the details, but it definitely involved mass destruction of nautical biospheres.
But since the only alternative to polluting the urban water table was weeding the lawn by hand, the weed killer was my only option.
After reading several reviews online and a quick trip to Walmart, I returned home armed with a gallon of Ortho Weed-B-Gon, a pump spray nozzle, and a herbicidal spirit, ready to go to work.
I began by carefully reading the instructions, which were conveniently hidden inside of the back label:
1) Aim at the center of the weed.
2)Cover the entire plant with a mist of the spray.
Amidst the thick underbrush of weeds, I discovered a colony of snails. It was only after I had sprayed the poor creatures that I thought about how the weed killer was supposed to work:
"This product works by causing uncontrollable and unsustainable growth..."
An hour or two later, I emerged victorious, having both sprayed the entire weedlawn and realized my dream of having Popeye forearms. I couldn't move my fingers anymore. Needless to say, I decided to wait a while before spraying the front lawn.
PS--I also sprayed a spider.
1 comment:
This is brilliant. Just so's ya know.
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