Saturday, May 28, 2011

i miss video games.

Sometimes, the fact that the majority of my childhood consisted of extensive video gaming comes back to haunt me in the most entertaining ways. I don't think it's very common to think about holding Z then pressing A to do a long jump all the way down the stairs instead of walking down them, or thinking about how I could bust through a wall with a good Falcon Kick aimed just right. For some reason, these thoughts tend to occur to me at completely random times.

But seriously, think how cool it would be if the world worked like it does in video games! First off, no one would be afraid of heights, since usually you could just fall as far as you want without any damage (or even constant acceleration due to gravity). Worst case scenario: you might lose half of your life meter and wobble vertically for a few seconds, but that's okay--just grab a few coins and you're back to full life!

Getting up long flights of stairs would be much easier. You could just wall jump all the way up (although some people are certainly better at that than others). Some people would just be able to hold their breath and fly the whole way up.

Jealous of the athletic abilities of Jimmer? Just inhale him and then swallow, and suddenly you've inherited his abilities! Tired of waiting in traffic? Just grab a feather and you can jump over everyone else (although only the older generation have access to the feather--younger drivers will have to be content with the golden mushroom or some other way of getting ahead). And if your kids are acting up, you can just grab them with your tongue and turn them into eggs for a while!

On the other hand, I guess there would be come drawbacks if life were like a video game. First off, you'd always have to worry about Peppy coming in over the communicator telling you to do a barrel roll when you don't want to, not to mention having to save him and Slippy all the time. But at least Falco would be pretty cool to have around. If you had a girlfriend who happened to be royalty, you would probably spend most of your life trying to rescue her from some creepy turlte/dinosaur/dragon with spikes on his shell, relying mostly on his own stupidity (placing bombs conveniently near where he's waiting to fight you, standing on a bridge that is easily destroyed by the axe he left at the end, or butt-pounding himself through the floor) to defeat him. And if your girlfriend wasn't royalty, she would probably be more likely to hang out in one spot and never move, providing musical instruments, healing powers, "save spots," or some other semi-useful item, but not her love and attention that you really wanted.

Speaking of save spots, I think that might just be the best thing about life being like a video game. Of course, the older generations would be out of luck, but our generation would be able to push themselves beyond their normal comfort zone (or even past their physical limits), then just revert back to their last save spot if things don't work out. Think about how well that would work on midterm exams! Of course, some people would have to go all the way back home each time they started their game, but plenty of people would be able to save whenever and wherever they wanted!

Well, there are plenty of other awesome things that would happen if life were like a video game. I think my favorite would be Pokémon. But in the end, I think things would get pretty chaotic. Not to mention the confusion when some people die multiple times and just reappear at the entrance to the same room they died in. Some people would even be able to loot their own corpses. That would probably be just a little disturbing. Maybe it's better that life isn't like a video game. Sometimes, though, I just really want to throw a vegetable at that annoying kid who asks stupid questions in class.

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