Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Lesson in depression

Maybe you've never had depression, and you don't know what it's like. Here's a small glimpse:

It feels like everyone is happy but you.

It feels like everything is impossible and you don't want to try, because it's probably pointless anyway.

Being around other people feels like the biggest chore in the world. They're loud. They have "more important" problems than you do. You don't know what to say because you feel miserable and empty inside, but don't want them to pity you.

You're afraid people will judge you. You're afraid that they'll write you off as lazy, as imagining your illness as "all in your head", or that you're not a real Christian. Real Christians have faith and pray and get over sad feelings, right?

You feel guilty all the time. You feel guilty that you don't enjoy going to Church, even though you have a testimony and love God and care about other people. You feel guilty for not taking care of other people. You feel guilty for skipping class and making things difficult for your teachers and classmates. You feel guilty for being a burden for the people you love, even though they insist that you're not a burden.

You feel exhausted with all these strange emotions that don't seem to make sense, and you're ashamed that your emotions, not your logical reasoning, rules you 97% of the time.

Worst of all: it feels like it will never, ever end.

Disclaimer: Please don't be alarmed about the state of my mind. I really am working on this whole depression thing. I'm figuring out which antidepressants will work for me and I'm seeing a counselor. I just want to show people what it's like to be depressed. It's hell.


riss said...

Dria, I'm proud of you for being so open about this. More open than I know how to be. It's really helped me feel less alone, and I would bet it's helped a lot of people understand more about depression. I'm often amazed at how much people don't know about it, and how interested they are in learning more when I talk to them about it.

Also, loves and squeezes. Thinking of you.

Claire said...

I love you __O__ (that is me reaching out for a hug)

alisha t bishop said...

Thanks for this, it has helped me understand a little more about what depression feels like. I've always known that it's a very real thing, but I appreciate the explanation. (You're very good with those paint drawings too, btw :)

Hang in there, and know that you are loved!

Cari Dahl said...

Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man. I hear you.

Don't ever feel like you have to shut up about this.

Meg N. said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. I have depression too, and reading this brought me back to how I used to feel when I first got depressed. Like Cari said, you don't have to keep quiet about this. Talking about it like you are doing helps people understand and gives validity to the experiences of others. I'm sorry you have to go through this.