Wednesday, February 15, 2012

This will probably make you sad

I've been taking a lot of risks lately. I've written about things that are personal to me, things that I don't really talk about with people. I have a fear that no one will understand, or that they simply won't care. But as I've shared these thoughts with others, I've discovered that there are other people out there just like me; people with questions, people with heartache. I'm going to take another huge risk and talk about something that only Jordan, God, and a few assorted doctors know about. The purpose of this post isn't to ask for sympathy. I feel like I need to put my experience out there, so other people won't feel so alone.

In December, I had a miscarriage.

It happened during finals week. Well, probably. I'm still not sure when exactly it happened, which was why it was such a shock--there wasn't any warning. My body acted like the pregnancy was going along as it should. But when we went to the doctor for an ultrasound, he told us the worst possible news. There was no baby. It had somehow stopped growing.

I couldn't believe it. It seemed unreal. How could the baby that we had already named and already loved just be gone? Why would God give us the green light to have a baby and then let it die? Had it ever even been alive, anyway? Was it ever a person, or just a clump of cells that never grew properly?

So instead of sharing the exciting news with our families as we had planned, we were left with nothing. The holiday passed in a daze, and we returned to our empty, lonely apartment, not understanding why life had been so cruel, or how we were supposed to survive the next few weeks. We had to pick up the broken pieces of our hopes and dreams and simply press forward, fervently clinging to the hope that things would be okay, someday.

I don't feel as sad about it as I used to. It's hard to be surrounded by babies and pregnant women in Provo, but I still like babies so it's not so bad. I know I'll get to be a mother someday, whether it's through having my own children or adoption. But I think a small part of me will always miss the baby that I never got to have, and wonder if it was ever really a person, and if I'll ever get to meet him.


Celeste said...

I am so sorry Dria - so very sorry. I have 3 little siblings I have never met - two sisters, and one brother (whose twin made it, but not him). There is nothing anyone can say, except to, as Jesus did, weep along with you. Haven't not lost as a mother, but as a sister, and watching my mother deal with it, I have come to feel it as one of the deepest pains women can feel.

I am working with a dear friend, a mother of 8 children on earth and 4 in heaven, on publishing her book on her angels she never got to hold. She has spent years studying/writing her story, and if I can have her permission, I'll share it on with you.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry to hear this, Andria. I've had several people close to me have miscarriages, including my sister, and I can't imagine how hard it was. My mom once told me it's amazing how attached you can get to a baby so early on, and how hard it is to lose that baby. I hope you can continue to find healing. The Lord definitely has an interesting way of making everything work out :) You'll be a wonderful mother when the time comes!

Melissa said...

Dear Dria,
I too have had several mothers around me who have had miscarriages recently. I can't imagine how hard it is to cope with the loss of a living being that is growing and thriving and then is lost from some reason or another. However, I have good news for you. Each and everyone of those mothers is now expecting again, and they are all doing well! One mother has already had her twins! So, there is hope, even if you may not feel it at this point. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you. :)
Love, Melissa

Amy said...

I am so sad to read this, but I'm glad you shared. After the loss of my son it took me a long time to figure out how important it is to acknowledge and talk about him. I believe your baby was real - a real person who shared your life for a little while. "When such a friend from us departs,/ We hold forever in our hearts/ A sweet and hallowed memory,/ Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee." I hope he touched your lives for good.

(By the way, this is Jordan's cousin Tim's wife, Amy.)