"are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"

Dear readers,

I am not Dria. Sorry about that. Just thought I should get it out in the open before you start expecting cute drawings or adorable crochet projects. Maybe I'll show you some more cute drawings of my own, but that's not why I'm writing today.

I'm writing today to get some things of my chest and to give you all a little insight to my personal life. I tend to be a very open person, but I've been struggling a lot lately with some more of my myriad brain problems, and I usually like to keep those under the carpet so people don't think I'm as crazy as I really am. Today, however, you get the pleasure of peering into the mind of a man who thinks way too much and gets himself into mental trouble because of it.

My dad has mentioned that I have some genetic disposition to some form of OCD (from my mom's side of the family, of course, of course). Personally, I think I have a strong disposition to hypochondria, so naturally I started noticing just how obsessive and compulsive I really am as soon as I learned about my disposition toward it. I've recently been diagnosed (self-diagnosed, maybe?) with anxiety, and have started taking medicine for it (oddly enough, it is almost the opposite of what my ADD medicine does...). I'm starting to wonder if I'm really as crazy as I think I am, or if I've just thought myself into a psychological corner and now I'm trying to get out.

One ray of illumination struck me this morning as I watched this Mormon Message, extracted from this talk by Elder Christofferson. The first thing that struck me was the idea that Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me, and that my own goals may conflict with what I'm actually meant to become. That was what inspired me to go on from the Mormon Message to read the actual talk that it came from (yeah, I just dangled that participle; what're you gonna do about it?). As I read, well, first of all, my heart was filled with the Spirit. I did start my personal study with a prayer, after all, and I actually wanted to know what Heavenly Father had to tell me. This attitude is really what lead to my second discovery, which came, however indirectly, from the following quote (taken from that same talk, obviously):

Our Heavenly Father is a God of high expectations. His expectations for us are expressed by His Son, Jesus Christ, in these words: “I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect” (3 Nephi 12:48). He proposes to make us holy so that we may “abide a celestial glory” (D&C 88:22) and “dwell in his presence” (Moses 6:57). He knows what is required, and so, to make our transformation possible, He provides His commandments and covenants, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and most important, the Atonement and Resurrection of His Beloved Son.  

In all of this, God’s purpose is that we, His children, may be able to experience ultimate joy, to be with Him eternally, and to become even as He is. Some years ago Elder Dallin H. Oaks explained: “The Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.”1

Maybe as you read those paragraphs, you learned something completely different from what I learned. Good! That means you're listening to the Spirit, which is teaching you something you need to know, which is clearly going to be something different from what I needed to know. Remember that; there will be a quiz on it after class.

What I learned as I read this comes down to a few simple truths:

1. Christ's commandment to be perfect isn't an impossible standard. It is a pronouncement of our divine design and destiny.
2. God knows what each of us individually needs to do to reach that potential.
3. Going to church and listening to talks on Sunday alone isn't going to do me any good at all; allowing the Spirit to change my heart as I carefully listen to the Lord's personal instructions to me while I attend church will.
4. It's more important for me to listen to the Spirit, ponder, and allow my heart to change than it is to accomplish any given tasks, assignments, or even commandments that come from the gospel or the Church.

That last point was a real zinger for me. Blame it on video games, OCD, or the fact that my parents gave us our allowance according to the number of check marks we had on our daily job list, I have developed an extremely task-oriented approach to life. Possibly my greatest sense of accomplishment comes from having a lot of check marks on my Google Calendar, or getting a maximum number of chores done in a Saturday morning. I love feeling like I'm getting a lot done! I feel lazy if I only accomplish one or two things in a day, no matter how important those things may have been. Turns out this may not be the right approach to life, though, dangit.

I recently participated in a tournament on entervoid.com, a wonderful community of comic-style artists who help each other improve their art, storytelling, and character design skills by challenging each other to comic "battles" and then rating each other on each comic produced. I love the growth that comes from this site, and the challenge of becoming a little better each time I compete. My wife, however, gets the short end of the stick. Because of how task-oriented I am, for each of the three rounds of this tournament before I finally quit (because I just couldn't be defeated for some reason), I was so obsessed with finishing my comic that I allowed my wife to become an innocent bystander in my grand scheme. Instead of being the focus of my life (which she is), I allowed her to be a passenger in my wild ride to fame and fortune as a comic-drawing fiend. To any men who may be reading this: YOUR WIFE IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! NEVER LET ANYTHING ELSE BECOME MORE IMPORTANT THAN SHE IS!

Let me clarify: Dria is, has been, and always will be, the most important part of my life. Even though I spent so much time drawing that she started feeling abandoned, I never believed that comics were actually more important than her. My problem was being too task-oriented to realize how badly my priorities matched the way I actually spent my time.

So now we arrive back at my original point: after reading just the first five and a half paragraphs of this talk (here it is again for those of you who forgot), my heart was changed completely. I realized that no matter what I do with my life, if I'm only doing things to get them done, I'll never really be happy. To be happy, I need to let go of my obsession with to-do lists and check marks, and I need to embrace becoming instead of just doing. I spent over 30 minutes reading those first five and a half paragraphs, pondering them, writing notes to myself (one reason I love doing personal study on LDS.org), and praying for personal revelation. I learned more, brethren and sistren, from those five and a half paragraphs, than I've learned from any single personal study in the past month, at least. The reason? Quality over quantity. Mind over matter. Becoming rather than doing. Esse quam videre.

From now on, instead of breathing away my days in idle busyness, I will take time to ponder, to question, to learn, to think, and, most importantly, to become what my Father knows I can be.

My exciting new project

I've started a new blog called Through Feminist Eyes, with the intention of helping bridge the gap between feminism and the gospel. Whether you like it or not, there are many Church members out there who are hurting because of confusing (and sometimes contradictory) ideas taught in the Church. My hope is to create a place where people feel comfortable expressing their ideas, asking questions, and seeking answers that will bring them peace, all while supporting the gospel. I know I have some cool awesome sweet feminist friends out there who might be interested in that sort of thing, so I thought I'd spread the word.

Further thoughts on women and the Church

You guys are super awesome and have shared a lot of interesting, thoughtful ideas about women and the Church, and I'm really glad. Also, I'm in a much better place mentally than I was at 2:00 a.m., so it's easier to look at a broader perspective and whatnot.

I want to mention some of the ideas that I found interesting, for the benefit of anyone who cares or has questions like I do. Maybe something will click for you!

First, I really enjoyed this article a Facebook friend referred me to. I felt validated to hear that many others feel the way I do, and I liked seeing some of the author's suggestions on how to make the Church more inclusive. It's a long article, so... yeah. TL;DR: many women feel hurt and confused about seeming inequality in the Church, and there are ways we can make it much better.

A few of you pointed out that in your experiences, women in your wards have been referred to as "President Person" instead of "Sister Person," and that your ward councils are very supportive of the female leadership and the ideas and concerns they bring up. That makes me really happy! I guess my experiences have just been a little more negative than yours, unfortunately.

An idea that my mother-in-law and husband have previously mentioned is the "women=physical responsibilities, men=spiritual responsibilities" idea. What they mean by that is this: women are in charge of bringing children into the world and nurturing them (especially physically), and men are in charge of bringing children back into the presence of God (so, Priesthood duties). I find this idea very interesting. My husband suggests that perhaps either a) women were given some sort of Priesthood authority before coming to earth, so they could "officiate" in their womanly duties, or b) women gain some sort of Priesthood authority from covenants and ordinances to officiate in womanly duties. Or maybe the "power" is something different altogether. But still: this resonates with me and feels pretty okay. (Also, this makes me wonder: is childbirth an "ordinance" that women "officiate" in? 'Cuz you can't get any of the other ordinances if you're never born, so... )

A thought that goes along with this is the "women have certain innate qualities that help them return to God, but since men don't have them, they need to learn them" theory. So, men need to serve in Priesthood offices in order to gain traits that women typically have naturally: nurturing, self-sacrifice, etc. (and, men have to receive the Priesthood for exaltation, whereas women do not). I've heard this before in Church and several of you brought it up to me. I think the idea has merit, and could at least partly explain the division. One thing I do recognize is that Priesthood holders are not directly benefited by holding the Priesthood; it is all about serving others. This does bring me great comfort.

Also: well, I've obviously never been a mother. Duh. So I haven't had any of the cool experiences related to that calling and gift and until I have fat little babies, I won't understand. Maybe I'll finally feel more valid and appreciated when that time comes. My frustration with motherhood and the Church is that people in the Church only seem to praise women when it comes to this calling, and try to make it sound like it's totally perfect and awesome all the time. Maybe it is, but it looks like a lot of poop and crying to me. Maybe that's more awesome than I've been lead to believe. Poop, after all, is one of the best words ever invented, and it's fun to use. But my point is, until I'm a mother, it's hard to understand who else and what else I can be, in the eyes of Church members. I want to do and be a lot of things, but with my current situation, I can't do a lot of that, and I often feel like I slip between the cracks and am viewed as broken or something. I want to be recognized as a full human being even though I'm not a mother right now. I want to be valued and appreciated for who I am right now.

What I really want to know is this: what is the REAL REASON that women do not (appear to) use the Priesthood on the earth (outside of the temple)? Is the reason doctrinal? Policy-based? Knowing this would help me feel so much better. It just feels confusing to me that it seems that men=Priesthood=Church leadership, when something in my heart tells me that isn't quite the truth. It's hard to perform the mental gymnastics to explain how, exactly, women are equal to men in the Church, and why, exactly, we apparently don't need to hold the Priesthood. I would love a straight answer.

I know that God loves everyone the same, and that in His eyes, we really are equal. But I feel that a lot of societal attitudes and cultural values obscure that equality for me. The Church is good and wonderful, but it is also subject to racism, sexism, and all the other -isms. I'm tired of the rhetoric that implies men are terrible people and that women are perfect angels. It hurts everyone, because I know many amazing men AND women, and many not so amazing men AND women. I'm tired of being labeled in certain ways that constrict me from fully experiencing being a human. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I shouldn't be assertive, shouldn't ask questions, shouldn't get angry or depressed. Because I do all of those things, and I know for a fact you guys do, too. How can I learn to be happy if I'm never sad? How can I find truth if I don't look for it? How can I get anywhere in life if I don't stand up for what I believe in? And I hate that men are made fun of for being gentle or kind or tender-hearted, when apparently they're supposed to be tough and grow some balls and always take charge and not act like women or else they're sissies (or much more insulting terms). Jesus Christ is the most gentle, kind, tender-hearted, nurturing person I can think of. Isn't the point of the gospel to become more like Him?

I'll quit here before I get too rambly, because I could say lots of other stuff but it might get boring and plus I've said the most important stuff. So: share your opinions, please! Tell me what you think about the position of women in the Church. If we ask the tough questions, we can find the answers that will bring us light and peace. So... ready set go!

Women in the Church

The stuff I'm going to talk about today might make sensitive readers think I'm crazy. Also, it's like 2:00 in the morning, and it's not going to be concise, probably. You're invited to stop reading now.

It has taken me a little while, but I have finally realized--and embraced--the fact that I am a feminist. The idea of promoting equality, love, and respect for all of God's children feels so right to me. But a lot of my strong beliefs seem to clash with the structure of the Church.

Let me get a few more disclaimers out of  the way, since you should've stopped reading when I told you to, and you definitely think I'm crazy:

1. I believe in God the Father and the Mother, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Ghost. I believe that when 'God' is used in the scriptures and talks, it really refers to both our Parents. I believe that the gospel is true.

2. I believe in the Book of Mormon. I believe that the Church is directed by the Savior, and that He reveals truth to our leaders, and to us.

3. I believe that God is no respecter of persons.

4. I believe that most all Church members and those who identify themselves as Mormons are very good people, and have good intentions.

5. I believe that the Church is an earthly institution to spread the gospel, and because it is primarily run by imperfect humans, it is imperfect.

That being said, the Church makes me feel so sad sometimes, and the reason is that I'm a woman.

As a woman, I don't feel very valued or special. I feel ignored, misunderstood, and misrepresented. I long to be honestly seen alongside my sisters as equal to the men in this Church.

Church leaders and members *try* to value women, in a weird and mostly annoying way. We're told how Incredible We Are. We're told that motherhood is the Best Thing Ever and how we're so amazing and angelic and glorious for doing that. We're told how virtuous and pure and perfect we are compared to the women of the world, and how they're a bunch of selfish floozies.

The problem to me is that if everyone thinks women are so great, then why are we left out of so, so much?

Understand me: I love being a wife, and I look forward to motherhood. But I am more than just those two roles. Womanhood is certainly about more than those two roles, which many women, by the way, never experience.

It hurts that the leadership is predominantly male, who decide things for and about females without consultation, as far as I'm aware. It hurts that, when there are female leaders, they are called "Sister Whatever" instead of "President Whatever." It hurts that some callings are only given to men, even though absolutely no Priesthood keys are required. It hurts that we women are excluded from being witnesses or participating in baby blessings in any way (although I can see loopholes in the official policy and you can bet I will take advantage of those loopholes). It hurts that we don't talk about God the Mother; I really, really want to learn about Her and from Her. I want to learn how to be a woman from another woman.

And yes: it does hurt that men are given offices in the Priesthood, when it appears that there is no doctrinal backing for why women aren't allowed. Most of all, it hurts that no one will tell us why.

Well... that's not 100% true. Some people try. But because they don't know, the explanations fall short, don't make sense, sting. Women can't hold the Priesthood because they have uteruses, and dudes are totally jealous? Women don't hold the Priesthood because they're subject to men? Women don't hold the Priesthood because they're so much better than those gross, icky men, therefore they don't need it? Women don't hold the Priesthood because they have to be protected by others? Women don't hold the Priesthood because they're not supposed to, and that's how it will always be, amen?

The most insulting accusation regarding women and the Priesthood is that it's unrighteous for us to want to have it, because we're mothers and it's just wrong and yeah. But if we in the Church believe that men and women are striving to become kings and queens, priests and priestesses, gods and goddesses... then who are you to say that it's unrighteous to want to exercise Priesthood power? I want to serve people in a fuller capacity than I am currently able!

Speaking of a fuller capacity, being a temple worker is so fulfilling to me because I get to officiate in several important ordinances. As far as I know, one can't perform ordinances without the power and approval of God. I believe that we as women are more fully able to use the Priesthood--or maybe our Priestesshood?--within the walls of the temple. It feels so right to me to be able to serve my sisters in the temple in this way.

Here is what I think: our Church is subject to long-standing cultural values, just like everyone else in the whole dang world. I think that Jesus is merciful, and lets us make mistakes, but corrects us when we are ready for it. (... Blacks and the Priesthood, anyone?)

I also think that, perhaps, we just really don't understand the Priesthood all that well, and that until we do, we will continue to come up with confusing answers and shame the questioners for daring to ask.

All these thoughts and feelings, coupled with lingering depression and the occasional migraine makes Church attendance very painful. But because I believe that the life after is going to be so much better helps me hold on. I love the temple so much because I can see a glimpse of that.

This post, while a helpful emotional rant, is also a call to action. If you feel that women and men are equals... show it. Encourage it. Some of the things I'm going to do include calling female leaders by their titles; speaking up for women in ward councils (if I'm ever in a position to); teaching my children to respect and love everyone; giving the same attention to my future daughters as my future sons will inherently receive at Church; doing Visiting Teaching; teaching modesty in a way that isn't male-centered and female-shaming; and finding my own ways to be more involved in things. These are all tiny things. And I know I'll find more. Because by small and simple things are great things brought to pass*, yes?

I believe that things will change. If not in this life, then certainly the next.



*Alma 37:6, in case you were wondering.

I stole this post from my secret blog

Hi guys! So... I have a secret: I have a secret blog that I haven't told anyone about. It's a bit of a school project, and it's probably not that interesting. If you are interested in following it, let me know and I'll let you read it. I'm going to keep it private.

The following words are from that blog:

On Wednesday, my teacher presented my class with the following "doctrine": In the Celestial Kingdom, there will be more righteous women than men. Because of this, plural marriage will be necessary, as you need to be sealed to be exalted.

I left the class feeling very upset.

I recognize that he might have a reason for saying the things he did, including principles given in Jacob 2 and D&C 132, and the fact that a man can be sealed to more than one woman (usually as long as only one is currently alive; it sounds like sometimes divorces don't end in sealing annulments). But I highly suspect that his comments were out of context, and, honestly, out of line.

I need to stick in a disclaimer right now and admit that I don't know what it's going to be like on the other side. But I do believe that things will work out right. I think that people struggle with the idea because, first of all, it isn't really discussed, and second, when it is discussed, it's very vague. And sometimes people with weird ideas are the ones who speak up loudest.

My issues with his presentation of this "doctrine" are

1. Historically, plural marriages were instituted by God to "raise up seed" (Jacob 2:30). I highly doubt that this will be a problem in the Celestial Kingdom, considering all the people who have lived on the earth, and who have yet to live on the earth. D&C 132 addresses plural marriage; however, Joseph Smith received this revelation at a time when the Church was commanded to practice plural marriage. It seems to me that, again, the people needed to expand the Church. I believe that verses 58-66 are specifically for the members of that time, and not for the members of today or even the future.

2. The idea that there will definitely be more women than men in the Celestial Kingdom seems kinda silly to me. I take it that my teacher is drawing this idea from his own experiences seeing more women at Church or in the temple, or perhaps in hearing talks about how LDS Women are Incredible! Whether or not this is the case, there are other things to consider. For example, think of all the children who have died before the age of eight, or all the righteous people who died before having the opportunity to be sealed. I believe that God is just and fair, and that He will give those people an opportunity, too; the idea that the Celestial Kingdom will be over-populated by women is ridiculous to me.

3. I do recognize that a man can be sealed to more than one woman in this life. I have struggled with the idea of typically not having men annul their sealings upon remarriage, because the idea of polygamy disgusts me, frankly. I can't imagine being happy sharing my husband with anyone, whether in this life or the next. But I believe that the multiple sealings are more for the sake of giving those women access to the fullness of the gospel and the Priesthood; I think the Priesthood is going to play a huge part in the Resurrection, and probably other stuff, too. It would be unfair to cut them off from that blessing. HOWEVER, again, I think that everyone will be able to have their very own family unit, meaning one man and one woman, so the idea that a man will be living with a bunch of women forever simply doesn't cut it for me.

4. God understands the desires of our hearts, and takes them into account (Alma 41:3-6). I firmly believe that He would never take away our agency and force us into arrangements that we don't feel good about. The Celestial Kingdom is a place of happiness and peace and progression. The only happiness and peace and progression I can imagine will be with MY husband and our (future) children.

In a way, I'm glad that my teacher made those comments in class because it forced me to really research it for myself, and as a result, I understand it a little more and feel at peace. There aren't many things I know for sure, but I do know that Heavenly Father loves me, and He values me as much as everyone else. That, to me, speaks volumes.

*Edit: I realize now that I failed to mention something. I'm not trying to disprove the possibility of eternal plural marriage. I'm trying to explore other ideas about what might be going on with this topic. I do think that if eternal plural marriage does exist in the Celestial Kingdom, it will be an option, not a requirement. My teacher upset me because he presented it as true, certain doctrine, and I didn't appreciate that; it was a little one-sided for something that isn't (what I consider) solid doctrine. If you have your two cents to throw in, please do so!

Help thou mine unbelief

I've been thinking a lot about faith lately. When it comes to the gospel, I really appreciate practicality. As great as it is to have a testimony of a certain principle, I feel like it can't change us very much until we do something about it, and I suspect that many people feel the same way.

So when it comes to the principle of faith, I find myself a little stumped at times. I know what it is. It's the "substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen" (Hebrews 11:1). I know that it's important and that we need it. But what am I supposed to do about it? What does it mean to have faith or exercise faith?

There's a man in our ward who, over a year ago, was diagnosed with cancer, and was told he had only months to live. Despite this grim prediction, his family went ahead with treatment, while our ward prayed for him in meetings and privately at home. They have spent days and weeks and months doing test after test and treatment after treatment. I can't even fathom what that was like for them. But they trusted in the Lord, and they continued to do good even through this hard time (he was in the bishopric), and today, every trace of cancer is gone. The doctors are amazed, and so am I.

I know it's a simple example. I also know that there's no way that I can sum up what faith is or how it works. I really think that faith can mean a lot of things. Maybe it means that you keep doing what God has asked of you, even though things are hard. Maybe it's about choosing to be positive instead of being overcome by discouragement. Maybe it's even about overcoming your fears step by step, trusting that the Lord will be with you the whole way. Maybe it's trusting that one day, the Lord will make everything right.

P.S. This post isn't meant to be melancholy; more musing. Also, I found this talk on faith, and I thought it was a pretty good read.

[Obscure song lyrics]

If you're in need of a spiritual lift, check out this video. It was given by Elder Busche at a BYU devotional in 1996. I watched it last week during my students' writing class and I was so impressed by his message. I hope you enjoy it too!

I want to be the best I can!

Reasons why my sister's baptism was muy bien:

-Lots of our peeps came, and by peeps I mean family.

-Everyone in my immediate family participated in some way, which was really awesome. Mom gave a talk, Jordan and I sang, Trevor, y'know, baptized Alexa, and Dad confirmed her.

-I got to hold cousin Joshie's slightly floppy, completely adorable baby Grace.

-Food.