We went to Disneyland last week. Have some pictures.

Oh, there you are, Perry.

To answer your question, yes, it was VERY DELICIOUS.

It's been sooooooooo long

Hi there. It's been a while, hasn't it?

Jordan and I moved from Riverton to somewhere else. We moved so we could be closer to Jordan's new(ish) job. He does web stuff for Perfectly Posh, which is awesome because it means I get to try out a lot of fun products for free, awww yeah.

Our new ward is pretty good, but... I'm kinda sorta taking a break from church again. There are just too many things that are bothering me right now. The way I see it is this: I want to stay in the Church, but if that's going to happen, I'm going to need some distance to process some pretty intense stuff for a while. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I actually really miss going to church and feeling spiritually uplifted and feeling generally good about the Church. My heart longs to somehow have a healthy relationship with the Church again, even after becoming aware of some of the negative things they have done in the past and continue to do presently.

Probably the biggest development in my life right now is that I've started therapy. Yup. I finally did it. My therapist seems like a really good match for me and I'm excited to get to work and figure out this depression/anxiety thing, because I'm ready to move on.

On a lighter note, I've been making lots of books lately, and that's been fun. Want to see some of them? Okay!

Basic codex

Coptic binding

Long stitch on a recycled candy box

Spiral bound

Japanese stab binding (the notes are for a Nancy Drew computer game)

What I've been doing or whatever

I keep trying to write a post about what the heck I've actually been up to lately but I can never finish it for some reason. So here's what I've been doing:

Writing

I've been writing a lot over the summer and fall. I co-authored a patent with my dad for a pocket knife he invented, started doing some freelance writing, and started writing for a women's website. My feminist blog is still going as well, although I haven't had as much time for that with all the other writing projects I've had.

Health

The summer was sorta meh but I'm starting to feel better now that I've found a drug combination that actually suits me. Funny how that works. It's like I've been in a dark room and someone suddenly flipped a light switch on.

MoFem stuff

I felt some feminist fatigue over the summer. I was very tired of all the same old arguments against the things I cared about. I was tired of being ambushed in conversations online and in person. Everything Church-related felt very triggering to me. My Church attendance hit an all-time low. I had to pull back a little from the Church and from some feminist activities, but it was a good thing for me at the time. It saved my sanity.

Now that I'm feeling better, I think I'm in a better position to deal with stuff. Church, rather than torture, seems pretty okay to me. That's good news. I know that I will be criticized for my opinions and beliefs in the future; they're unorthodox ideas. But I know that I'll find appropriate ways to respond to people, and that there's always something I can learn from them.

Projects

I got back into driving over the summer. I haven't done anything hardcore. It's a process. But knowing that I can do it, and that I'm on that path, is really exciting.

I'm crocheting a lot. I'm a lot better than I was a year ago. Lately I've made a headband/earwarmers, an infinity scarf, a crochet hook case, driving gloves, and legwarmers. I'm hoping to make a sweater this winter, because I've never done anything that challenging before.

Future?

I dunno. Jordan's graduating in a few months, and then everything will change again, probably. I don't want to be a freelancer forever. I daydream about having a normal job outside of my house, one that I drive my car to. No, neither I nor Jordan knows what he wants to do after graduation. Sorry about that. We'll probably keep living in Utah, at least for a while, but we hoooooope that we can leave this state at some point.

Liebster Award

Hey dudes 'n' ladydudes. I got nominated for a Liebster Award! I don't usually do this stuff, but it came from my cousins, McCall and Brevin over at Snapshots, and I like them, so I decided to join in. Here are the large pictures for you to look at now.

11 facts about meeeeeee:
1. When I was little, my parents would ask me to "hold a hand" to cross the street. Not wanting to give up my freedom, I took advantage of the linguistic ambiguity of that phrase by holding my own hand to cross the street.
2. I've been an anonymous writer for a high school and a university publication.
3. I have mild synesthesia. Letters, numbers, words, and music have colors to me.
4. I love Nancy Drew computer games. They are so awesome. I was embarrassed of that for a brief period of time (the Dark Time, when I dated mean people), but then I was like, "You know what? Screw you! These games are fun."
5. My lil' sis is adopted, and we're twelve 'n' a half years apart. She's aaaaaaalmost taller than me now.
6. I'm a feminist. But you already knew that.
7. I am an extremely picky reader, a relatively picky movie watcher, and a not very picky television watcher.
8. I was nominated by my choir teacher in high school to go on a choir/band tour trip to Europe. And I went. (And so did my cousin, Brevin!)
9. Once, my roomie and I were at a play, and some dude pulled her on stage to dance, and she dragged me along with her. And verily, we danced with an attractive man to a weird version of this song. It was magical.
10. I wrote a scholarly paper on the word "jimmered" once for a linguistics class.
11. I did karate with my brother and dad during middle school and high school.


11ish blogs I'm nominating:
Celeste's blog is Overworked Little Writer
Karissa's blog is Be of Good Cheer
Mike's blog is just because
Kristy's blog is Chilly's World
Jenn's blog is Life as a Lindsay
Katie's blog is Hillbilly and Mountain Girl
Rachel's blog is Climbing to the Top
Emily's blog is Perceptions and Facts


11 answers to McCall's questions:
1. If you could write for any well known magazine or newspaper, what would you write for? I'd write for Ms. magazine, of course! Think of all the amazing people I'd meet! Holy frijoles, Batman.
2. What is your favorite school subject?
In high school, I enjoyed English, AP European history, human development, clothing construction, sociology, psychology, and choir.
3. Did the Chicken or the Egg come first?
Both, I suppose:

4. How often do you sing in the shower?
Pretty much never.
5. If you had 12 kids what would their names be?
Kid, child, niño, niña, you, him, her, the baby, the blond one, the blonde one, boy, girl
6. City or Country living?
City.
7. What is your favorite smell?
Lilacs.
8. What blog do you visit the most?
Probably Feministing (rated R for discussing Real Life and sometimes swearing about it) and Feminist Mormon Housewives (rated A for Awesome and Aggravating material).
9. If you could write a book, what would the name of it be?
Andria's Book obvs
10. If you could only use one form of social media for the rest of your life, what social media website would you choose?
Blogging, because I like the angry comments. Jk jk I like writing and stuff.
11. What is your most prized possession?
My collection of clay figurines that Jordan has made me for our anniversary every year. Each one is a scene of something from that year. They're really sweet.

My questions:
1. What is your favorite type of book to read?
2. What is your dream job?
3. If you could visit any country, which would you visit?
4. Where do you think you'll be in ten years?
5. If your 16-year-old self could see you now, what would he or she think of you?
6. If you could donate one million dollars to any charity, which would it be?
7. What do you consider to be your greatest strengths?
8. If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which would you choose?
9. What is your favorite type of music?
10. How old were you when you had your first kiss, and how did it happen?
11. Who is your favorite figure from history?

Changes

1. We're moving out of Provo at the end of the semester.

2. I've decided what I want to be when I grow up.

So, moving. There are several reasons for it. The biggest reason is that we think I'll be back on my feet sooner if I have my family around. I'm less prone to lethargy if other people are in the house and I'm expected to wear normal-people clothes, not pajamas. The other main reason is that we aren't entirely fond of Provo (aside from our friends, of course). Jordan will have to commute to work/school until he graduates in December, but after that, we are done with Utah Valley.

I want to work in book publishing when I grow up. I want to be involved in finding great novels and making them incredible. I want a job that will stretch my mind and that will allow me to use what I learned in school. I can't believe I never thought about a career in book publishing before. It makes perfect sense for me: it combines my love for reading, my passion for language, and my desire for continual learning. My hope is to feel good enough to do an internship by this time next year to gain experience and see first-hand what it's like to work in publishing.

Jordan is cool infinity

We're celebrating our second anniversary this week.

Jordan's my best friend. He does a lot of stuff for me. He's my househusband and breadwinner. He cuddles me when I'm sad, and talks about smart stuff when I feel like it. He encourages me to exercise and eat good food even though it's not very fun sometimes. The best thing of all, though, is that he loves me unconditionally, encourages me to be myself, and supports me in the things that are important to me.

Here's to a great third year of marriage, best friend.

Everybody writes a self-serving reflection post in December. I'm just beating everybody to it.

We went to the Christmas devotional yesterday.

Proof that I go out in public sometimes. In real clothes, not pajamas.

It was fun. I liked that it was short, and I also liked that it wasn't boring. It also helps that I love Presidents Monson, Eyring, and Uchtdorf so much. I wish they could all be my grandpas.

Also, Sunday School yesterday was great because I didn't go. Heh. Instead, I sat in the gym and talked to my friend, Eniss. I consider her my other mom. She's the nicest, least judgmental, most beautiful person I've ever met. Every time I talk to her I leave feeling a little bit better and more hopeful about life.

So. This has been the weirdest year ever. I feel like I've simultaneously been doing nothing and everything. I probably attended 30% of my required classes last semester, but I've never put so much effort into getting passing grades for graduation. I still feel a mixture of pride and shame when I think of last semester. I did it. I graduated, with everything stacked against me. But school has never been hard for me. Ever. My GPA last semester is just... embarrassing.

Sometimes I feel like all I do is watch tv, but other times I feel like I'm learning the most freakin amazing things in the entire world (usually not from tv, but I do watch smart things sometimes). I'm starving for knowledge. I want to know everything.

And my Church attendance? So spotty, so unreliable, it's unreal. But I've never been more interested in the gospel, studied it with more attention, prayed harder, or searched with such intensity for answers.

And for some reason, I've suddenly decided this year to be super open with people about my incredibly personal experiences and my opinions on incredibly controversial things. 17-year-old Andria would probably have had a panic attack about that. But 23-year-old Andria feels pretty good about it.

So I guess this means I'm... growing up? Is this what growing up feels like?

"are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?"

Dear readers,

I am not Dria. Sorry about that. Just thought I should get it out in the open before you start expecting cute drawings or adorable crochet projects. Maybe I'll show you some more cute drawings of my own, but that's not why I'm writing today.

I'm writing today to get some things of my chest and to give you all a little insight to my personal life. I tend to be a very open person, but I've been struggling a lot lately with some more of my myriad brain problems, and I usually like to keep those under the carpet so people don't think I'm as crazy as I really am. Today, however, you get the pleasure of peering into the mind of a man who thinks way too much and gets himself into mental trouble because of it.

My dad has mentioned that I have some genetic disposition to some form of OCD (from my mom's side of the family, of course, of course). Personally, I think I have a strong disposition to hypochondria, so naturally I started noticing just how obsessive and compulsive I really am as soon as I learned about my disposition toward it. I've recently been diagnosed (self-diagnosed, maybe?) with anxiety, and have started taking medicine for it (oddly enough, it is almost the opposite of what my ADD medicine does...). I'm starting to wonder if I'm really as crazy as I think I am, or if I've just thought myself into a psychological corner and now I'm trying to get out.

One ray of illumination struck me this morning as I watched this Mormon Message, extracted from this talk by Elder Christofferson. The first thing that struck me was the idea that Heavenly Father has a specific plan for me, and that my own goals may conflict with what I'm actually meant to become. That was what inspired me to go on from the Mormon Message to read the actual talk that it came from (yeah, I just dangled that participle; what're you gonna do about it?). As I read, well, first of all, my heart was filled with the Spirit. I did start my personal study with a prayer, after all, and I actually wanted to know what Heavenly Father had to tell me. This attitude is really what lead to my second discovery, which came, however indirectly, from the following quote (taken from that same talk, obviously):

Our Heavenly Father is a God of high expectations. His expectations for us are expressed by His Son, Jesus Christ, in these words: “I would that ye should be perfect even as I, or your Father who is in heaven is perfect” (3 Nephi 12:48). He proposes to make us holy so that we may “abide a celestial glory” (D&C 88:22) and “dwell in his presence” (Moses 6:57). He knows what is required, and so, to make our transformation possible, He provides His commandments and covenants, the gift of the Holy Ghost, and most important, the Atonement and Resurrection of His Beloved Son.  

In all of this, God’s purpose is that we, His children, may be able to experience ultimate joy, to be with Him eternally, and to become even as He is. Some years ago Elder Dallin H. Oaks explained: “The Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts—what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts—what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.”1

Maybe as you read those paragraphs, you learned something completely different from what I learned. Good! That means you're listening to the Spirit, which is teaching you something you need to know, which is clearly going to be something different from what I needed to know. Remember that; there will be a quiz on it after class.

What I learned as I read this comes down to a few simple truths:

1. Christ's commandment to be perfect isn't an impossible standard. It is a pronouncement of our divine design and destiny.
2. God knows what each of us individually needs to do to reach that potential.
3. Going to church and listening to talks on Sunday alone isn't going to do me any good at all; allowing the Spirit to change my heart as I carefully listen to the Lord's personal instructions to me while I attend church will.
4. It's more important for me to listen to the Spirit, ponder, and allow my heart to change than it is to accomplish any given tasks, assignments, or even commandments that come from the gospel or the Church.

That last point was a real zinger for me. Blame it on video games, OCD, or the fact that my parents gave us our allowance according to the number of check marks we had on our daily job list, I have developed an extremely task-oriented approach to life. Possibly my greatest sense of accomplishment comes from having a lot of check marks on my Google Calendar, or getting a maximum number of chores done in a Saturday morning. I love feeling like I'm getting a lot done! I feel lazy if I only accomplish one or two things in a day, no matter how important those things may have been. Turns out this may not be the right approach to life, though, dangit.

I recently participated in a tournament on entervoid.com, a wonderful community of comic-style artists who help each other improve their art, storytelling, and character design skills by challenging each other to comic "battles" and then rating each other on each comic produced. I love the growth that comes from this site, and the challenge of becoming a little better each time I compete. My wife, however, gets the short end of the stick. Because of how task-oriented I am, for each of the three rounds of this tournament before I finally quit (because I just couldn't be defeated for some reason), I was so obsessed with finishing my comic that I allowed my wife to become an innocent bystander in my grand scheme. Instead of being the focus of my life (which she is), I allowed her to be a passenger in my wild ride to fame and fortune as a comic-drawing fiend. To any men who may be reading this: YOUR WIFE IS THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE! NEVER LET ANYTHING ELSE BECOME MORE IMPORTANT THAN SHE IS!

Let me clarify: Dria is, has been, and always will be, the most important part of my life. Even though I spent so much time drawing that she started feeling abandoned, I never believed that comics were actually more important than her. My problem was being too task-oriented to realize how badly my priorities matched the way I actually spent my time.

So now we arrive back at my original point: after reading just the first five and a half paragraphs of this talk (here it is again for those of you who forgot), my heart was changed completely. I realized that no matter what I do with my life, if I'm only doing things to get them done, I'll never really be happy. To be happy, I need to let go of my obsession with to-do lists and check marks, and I need to embrace becoming instead of just doing. I spent over 30 minutes reading those first five and a half paragraphs, pondering them, writing notes to myself (one reason I love doing personal study on LDS.org), and praying for personal revelation. I learned more, brethren and sistren, from those five and a half paragraphs, than I've learned from any single personal study in the past month, at least. The reason? Quality over quantity. Mind over matter. Becoming rather than doing. Esse quam videre.

From now on, instead of breathing away my days in idle busyness, I will take time to ponder, to question, to learn, to think, and, most importantly, to become what my Father knows I can be.

Progress

My experiment is going well, and I do believe I may have found a trigger: added sugar.

I had my first migraine in about two weeks yesterday, and I'm almost positive it was because of all the sugar I had the day before. Tricky, right? So, if it does end up being a trigger, that's great, because I'll avoid stuff with lotsa sugar and probably feel healthier. But it will also be sad, because I like sugar.

Craziness: my stake was COMPLETELY REORGANIZED last weekend, and I have been moved into a ward that didn't exist before last weekend. I just don't even know what to do with that. The good-for-sure news is that we have Church at 11:00 now instead of 9:00...

I'm an introvert, and I'm okay

A cool person named Mike posted a video about introversion on Facebook, and it got me thinking.

When I was in high school, one of the many identities I tried on for a while was that of an extrovert. It seemed like the ideal of a good, likable, righteous person. I saw extroverts as the bright, shiny, bubbly, popular people who did cool things and were loved by all. I felt a lot of pressure to get out there and make stuff happen and be bold and exciting and be friendly and fun. This pressure seemed to come from... well, everywhere. Peers. Teachers. Church leaders. The Media.

I tried really hard. I jumped into all sorts of stuff to "be outgoing." Although many of the activities were fun, the drive to be with people and seen by people never felt all that great to me. I could pretend, but I didn't like being the center of attention. Trying to constantly keep up with social events and friends and Cool People exhausted me.

It always seemed somewhat unfair to me that the qualities of extroverts were held as the highest traits a person could have, and that if someone hadn't yet attained those traits, they needed to get on it. Stuff like enjoying group work or public speaking skillz or finding parties to attend and getting in the middle of all the action. It made me uncomfortable that I simply wasn't like that, and it made me uncomfortable that no matter how hard I tried to enjoy those things, I was uncomfortable. I felt deficient.  

I was not deficient. I am not deficient.

It has certainly taken a while, but I've come to understand myself better than ever. I'm an introvert, and I'm okay. I love spending time alone with my thoughts. Quality time alone is refreshing and energizing to me. I prefer to listen to conversations, rather than lead them. I'm not a huge fan of spending time with lots of people at once. I prefer books to parties, and spending time at home over Having Adventures.

While I have a few different theories about why I've struggled with depression, one that really stands out is feeling guilt over my introversion. I've been told so many times that my personality is wrong, and that I have to fix it. I have to anguish over making friends, and feel guilt when it takes a long time. Enjoying alone time makes me a loner, and that's bad.

Please don't misunderstand my complaining; extroverts are amazing, and I love them. But they are not socially superior, and we introverts have no reason to feel guilt over our quiet natures.

(Parents and other readers with sensitive constitutions, you are now invited to stop reading so you don't get offended by the dreadful language coming up, which would surely make you worry about my being thrust into the depths of Hell.) 

I can honestly say that I like myself, and I'm happy with who I am. I am a really good person, and I have a perfectly wonderful personality. The world needs people like me. So you know what, Society? Suck it.

Cooking is boring

Hiya, cool people. I don't mind cooking, but I don't love it, either. I usually only cook stuff that takes 20 minutes or less to prepare. I figure that a lot of people might feel the same way; they'd prefer NOT to eat Ramen everyday, but they also don't want to roast a turkey on a spit.

So to make your life a little easier, here's a list of some of the awesome things I've been cooking lately:

Delicious onion-flavored baked veggies. Instead of cutting up a bunch of veggies though, I just used a bag of frozen vegetables, plus some diced potatoes. Bam. Super easy and DELICIOUS.

Chicken-potato-tomato thing. This was especially good because a friend brought me some fresh, garden-grown tomatoes the day before, and they were so so good.

Marinated chicken. I was surprised at how good this was, considering the kinda weird ingredients. I intend to make it again sometime.

Chicken rice soup. I used brown rice instead of noodles, since I had lots of rice leftovers. I followed the recipe very loosely in general, actually, but how can you mess up soup, anyway?

Sweet potatoes!! This is so easy to make it's almost silly to have a recipe for it. We like to have beans with this, but I'm thinking rice would be pretty good, too.

SMOOTHIES. This is my afternoon snack pretty much every day. I don't technically have a recipe for this one. I just put half a banana, some strawberries (or raspberries) and rice milk into a blender and blend. I like to use a small amount of milk to make the smoothie really thick. But maybe you're weird and like to drink fruit-flavored milk.

Fer cute

Today is day three of my migraine-safe diet. It's been prooty good, although it's hard to come up with quick snacks I can eat throughout the day that aren't fruit, veggies, or rice cereal. Suggestions?

In other news, I've been further improving my legit crochet skillz. The tiniest project I've done was this little set of flower earrings; I'm planning on making other little crochet things so the earrings can be switchable.

I'm currently working on a big ol' basket. It looks weird in this picture. I'm (loosely) following this pattern, but I used t-shirt yarn that I made instead of normal kind.

I made what the interwebs folks call a boutique bag. Look at it.

Finally, I've been crocheting around the edges of GAJILLIONS of baby blankets and stuff my mom made. It's strangely addictive.

Elimination

What do the following foods have in common?

I love all of them. Also, I can't eat any of them for the next 6 weeks. Along with beef, soy products, corn products, caffeine, and sugar.

What is this madness, you ask? I'm embarking on my second attempt at an elimination diet to see if I can identify any migraine triggers. Here's how it will work: for two weeks, I eliminate all the above foods from my diet. After that, I challenge each food, one at a time, to see if reintroducing it into my diet triggers migraines. When I introduce a food back into my diet, it is only for 24 hours; after that, it's gone again. I don't want different types of food interacting with each other somehow and messing up my experiment.

I'm gonna be eating lots of fruits and vegetables for the next little while. Wish me luck.

Lately

Exciting things have been going on around here for us. First and awesomest, we get to work at the Provo Temple as ordinance workers! (Once renovations are over.) I say "awesomest" because it's a cool word, and also I've always wanted to work at the temple, and now I have my chance. It seems like you can only do it when you're really young, or when you're really old, so why not now?

Second and pretty awesome, I've been feeling normal, as in happy. I'm still not up to my former level of productivity or self motivation, but feeling so good makes up for that.

Third and sort of awesome, I'm rededicating myself to figuring out my migraines. I've had pretty bad migraines since I was about 14, and in the past few years, they've become more severe and I've had them more frequently. While the good news in the migraine department is that they aren't nearly as gross and painful as they have been, the bad news is that I've been getting them almost every day for the past month and a half, so... ugh. I'm hoping that keeping track of daily activities and (eventually) talking to a specialist will help me conquer this illness so I can have an even more normal life.

Fourth and also awesome, I really like my ward. Maybe it's because I'm more interested in socializing now, but this ward seems friendlier than the last one I was in.

I know this has been a pretty boring post, so sorry about that. To make up for it, I'm going to include some pictures of babies with animals.

Also, this:

I'm awesomer than depression

Guys, I'm doing really well with depression. I pretty much have it locked up in a jail cell far away, and even though it can talk to me sometimes, it can't attack me.

I'm awesome!

It's a lot of work to keep depression under control, though. Emotional health is interconnected with everything else; by balancing my attention among my intellectual, spiritual, and physical health, I'm likelier to stay feeling good.

I've been very careful about what I eat, because I've noticed that junk definitely makes me feel worse, while non-junk makes me feel better.

I'm reading, practicing Spanish and otherwise keeping my college-educated brain limber and muscly.

I try to wear real-people clothes instead of pajamas all the time. It might sound silly, but dressing up like every day is a normal day helps me feel more normal.

I also set aside time every morning to study the scriptures (I'm so spir'chal, guys). 

I'm awesome. Go, self!

Depression is annoying.

Even when life is pretty dang awesome, depression kinda lurks in the corner. Sometimes it gets tired of being ignored, so it tries to convince you to feel bad for no real reason.

So you feel bad, because it told you to.

Obviously, this is pretty frustrating. I've never been particularly good at ignoring my feelings and pretending to feel a different way, which makes it hard to say, "Heck no depression, you're stupid. Go away." But I think I'm getting better at it. For me, finding positive ways to distract myself help me remember that I'm not unhappy, even though my body thinks I should be. Going on walks and reading and not eating brownies for breakfast are a good start. And I always cheer up when I watch the misadventures of the Bluth family. Seriously, watching Arrested Development should probably be considered an antidepressant. Although the FDA would have to include a warning on the box that you'll get addicted within five minutes of watching.

Pictures of our new apartment!

I figured you guys might like to see pictures of our new place, since I talked it up so much in Monday's post. Here you go!

This looks like a normal mirror, but it opens up to reveal...

... our kitchen!

Our oven is nestled in this little... alcove? Completely adorable.

The cabinets in our kitchen have windows!

We have a lot of these little clasp-lock things on the cabinets throughout the house.

I wish I had a legit old-timey key for our doors.

Here's our security system.