Guest post adventure!

I guest posted over at Empowering LDS Women, so you should read it. (I announced it already on my other blog, but probably not everyone reads that)

Everybody writes a self-serving reflection post in December. I'm just beating everybody to it.

We went to the Christmas devotional yesterday.

Proof that I go out in public sometimes. In real clothes, not pajamas.

It was fun. I liked that it was short, and I also liked that it wasn't boring. It also helps that I love Presidents Monson, Eyring, and Uchtdorf so much. I wish they could all be my grandpas.

Also, Sunday School yesterday was great because I didn't go. Heh. Instead, I sat in the gym and talked to my friend, Eniss. I consider her my other mom. She's the nicest, least judgmental, most beautiful person I've ever met. Every time I talk to her I leave feeling a little bit better and more hopeful about life.

So. This has been the weirdest year ever. I feel like I've simultaneously been doing nothing and everything. I probably attended 30% of my required classes last semester, but I've never put so much effort into getting passing grades for graduation. I still feel a mixture of pride and shame when I think of last semester. I did it. I graduated, with everything stacked against me. But school has never been hard for me. Ever. My GPA last semester is just... embarrassing.

Sometimes I feel like all I do is watch tv, but other times I feel like I'm learning the most freakin amazing things in the entire world (usually not from tv, but I do watch smart things sometimes). I'm starving for knowledge. I want to know everything.

And my Church attendance? So spotty, so unreliable, it's unreal. But I've never been more interested in the gospel, studied it with more attention, prayed harder, or searched with such intensity for answers.

And for some reason, I've suddenly decided this year to be super open with people about my incredibly personal experiences and my opinions on incredibly controversial things. 17-year-old Andria would probably have had a panic attack about that. But 23-year-old Andria feels pretty good about it.

So I guess this means I'm... growing up? Is this what growing up feels like?

This was a triumph

I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS.

So, attending all three hours of Church has been tricky for me lately. Why? Because:

• Three hours is a looooooooooooong time
• Migraines and depression: bad mixture
• Church is sometimes... really boring
• Church is sometimes... full of weird pet doctrines from weird people
• Social pressure to make a bunch of friends is stressful for me

But! I found a great way for me to survive without going completely insane.

First, I built up my self-esteem to have some good energy before I got there. I've been practicing my driving lately, and on Sunday morning, I drove ALL THE WAY TO THE GROCERY STORE. Awwww yeah. So I was feeling pretty confident and happy with my success when I walked into Sacrament Meeting.

Secondly, I brought stuff to do in order to fight off the boredom and irritation. I did my scripture study during testimony meeting, I did sudoku during Sunday School, and I read Daughters in My Kingdom during Relief Society. I know what you're thinking: you're thinking, "Goodness. If you didn't even plan on paying attention at Church, why did you attend all three meetings?"

That's a fair question. I went to Church and stayed there because I wanted to. I went to Church and stayed there because I want to build up my three-hour endurance again. I want to enjoy being at Church, so I had to start somewhere. And for me, that meant going there with stuff to keep my mind busy. My learning at Church is no one's responsibility but mine, so I brought things to do to help me participate and learn in my own way. In my defense, most of the stuff I brought was pretty productive and gospel-related. The sudoku... maybe not so much. But it kept me from paying too much attention to That Guy in class who preaches his personal brand of Church doctrine, so it was a good thing for me. I paid enough attention to catch the occasional gold flake, so I'm good with that.

Thirdly, I didn't force myself to make small talk. I didn't obligate myself to make friends. I didn't try to meet any new people, only to forget them five minutes after Church ended. For me, that was HUGE. I stayed in my comfort zone, and the chatters chatted with their own kind. I didn't feel bad about it, either. I am not good at making new friends in five minutes. It's stressful, and I find small talk with strangers kinda obnoxious. I saved up my social energy to focus on my visiting teaching sisters that afternoon--people I actually have stewardship over, and will talk to more than once ever. 

My Church-surviving techniques did come at a small price, though. I got Looks. Jordan tells me an older woman stared at me in Sunday School while I minded my own business, doing sudoku. In Relief Society, the outgoing lady who plopped down next to me as I was quietly reading seemed a little annoyed that I only politely answered her questions, rather than enthusiastically spilled my life story. A woman lifted up the cover of Daughters in My Kingdom in order to see what I was reading (weird, right?). 

Even though there were some awkward moments, it was well worth the cost. I dealt with the stress of Church on my own terms, and I'm proud of the progress I made. And you know what? I know it'll only get better from here. Who knows... maybe next week I'll graduate to listening to the Relief Society lesson!

Awesome podcast

I just listened to a cool podcast about Hannah Wheelwright, the author of the Young Mormon Feminists blog. I know I have some feminist peeps out there who would be interested, so check it out!

Further thoughts on women and the Church

You guys are super awesome and have shared a lot of interesting, thoughtful ideas about women and the Church, and I'm really glad. Also, I'm in a much better place mentally than I was at 2:00 a.m., so it's easier to look at a broader perspective and whatnot.

I want to mention some of the ideas that I found interesting, for the benefit of anyone who cares or has questions like I do. Maybe something will click for you!

First, I really enjoyed this article a Facebook friend referred me to. I felt validated to hear that many others feel the way I do, and I liked seeing some of the author's suggestions on how to make the Church more inclusive. It's a long article, so... yeah. TL;DR: many women feel hurt and confused about seeming inequality in the Church, and there are ways we can make it much better.

A few of you pointed out that in your experiences, women in your wards have been referred to as "President Person" instead of "Sister Person," and that your ward councils are very supportive of the female leadership and the ideas and concerns they bring up. That makes me really happy! I guess my experiences have just been a little more negative than yours, unfortunately.

An idea that my mother-in-law and husband have previously mentioned is the "women=physical responsibilities, men=spiritual responsibilities" idea. What they mean by that is this: women are in charge of bringing children into the world and nurturing them (especially physically), and men are in charge of bringing children back into the presence of God (so, Priesthood duties). I find this idea very interesting. My husband suggests that perhaps either a) women were given some sort of Priesthood authority before coming to earth, so they could "officiate" in their womanly duties, or b) women gain some sort of Priesthood authority from covenants and ordinances to officiate in womanly duties. Or maybe the "power" is something different altogether. But still: this resonates with me and feels pretty okay. (Also, this makes me wonder: is childbirth an "ordinance" that women "officiate" in? 'Cuz you can't get any of the other ordinances if you're never born, so... )

A thought that goes along with this is the "women have certain innate qualities that help them return to God, but since men don't have them, they need to learn them" theory. So, men need to serve in Priesthood offices in order to gain traits that women typically have naturally: nurturing, self-sacrifice, etc. (and, men have to receive the Priesthood for exaltation, whereas women do not). I've heard this before in Church and several of you brought it up to me. I think the idea has merit, and could at least partly explain the division. One thing I do recognize is that Priesthood holders are not directly benefited by holding the Priesthood; it is all about serving others. This does bring me great comfort.

Also: well, I've obviously never been a mother. Duh. So I haven't had any of the cool experiences related to that calling and gift and until I have fat little babies, I won't understand. Maybe I'll finally feel more valid and appreciated when that time comes. My frustration with motherhood and the Church is that people in the Church only seem to praise women when it comes to this calling, and try to make it sound like it's totally perfect and awesome all the time. Maybe it is, but it looks like a lot of poop and crying to me. Maybe that's more awesome than I've been lead to believe. Poop, after all, is one of the best words ever invented, and it's fun to use. But my point is, until I'm a mother, it's hard to understand who else and what else I can be, in the eyes of Church members. I want to do and be a lot of things, but with my current situation, I can't do a lot of that, and I often feel like I slip between the cracks and am viewed as broken or something. I want to be recognized as a full human being even though I'm not a mother right now. I want to be valued and appreciated for who I am right now.

What I really want to know is this: what is the REAL REASON that women do not (appear to) use the Priesthood on the earth (outside of the temple)? Is the reason doctrinal? Policy-based? Knowing this would help me feel so much better. It just feels confusing to me that it seems that men=Priesthood=Church leadership, when something in my heart tells me that isn't quite the truth. It's hard to perform the mental gymnastics to explain how, exactly, women are equal to men in the Church, and why, exactly, we apparently don't need to hold the Priesthood. I would love a straight answer.

I know that God loves everyone the same, and that in His eyes, we really are equal. But I feel that a lot of societal attitudes and cultural values obscure that equality for me. The Church is good and wonderful, but it is also subject to racism, sexism, and all the other -isms. I'm tired of the rhetoric that implies men are terrible people and that women are perfect angels. It hurts everyone, because I know many amazing men AND women, and many not so amazing men AND women. I'm tired of being labeled in certain ways that constrict me from fully experiencing being a human. Just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I shouldn't be assertive, shouldn't ask questions, shouldn't get angry or depressed. Because I do all of those things, and I know for a fact you guys do, too. How can I learn to be happy if I'm never sad? How can I find truth if I don't look for it? How can I get anywhere in life if I don't stand up for what I believe in? And I hate that men are made fun of for being gentle or kind or tender-hearted, when apparently they're supposed to be tough and grow some balls and always take charge and not act like women or else they're sissies (or much more insulting terms). Jesus Christ is the most gentle, kind, tender-hearted, nurturing person I can think of. Isn't the point of the gospel to become more like Him?

I'll quit here before I get too rambly, because I could say lots of other stuff but it might get boring and plus I've said the most important stuff. So: share your opinions, please! Tell me what you think about the position of women in the Church. If we ask the tough questions, we can find the answers that will bring us light and peace. So... ready set go!

Fer cute

Today is day three of my migraine-safe diet. It's been prooty good, although it's hard to come up with quick snacks I can eat throughout the day that aren't fruit, veggies, or rice cereal. Suggestions?

In other news, I've been further improving my legit crochet skillz. The tiniest project I've done was this little set of flower earrings; I'm planning on making other little crochet things so the earrings can be switchable.

I'm currently working on a big ol' basket. It looks weird in this picture. I'm (loosely) following this pattern, but I used t-shirt yarn that I made instead of normal kind.

I made what the interwebs folks call a boutique bag. Look at it.

Finally, I've been crocheting around the edges of GAJILLIONS of baby blankets and stuff my mom made. It's strangely addictive.